My journey so far, Sprinkledwords :)

Everyone asked me this one question, 'Sprinkledwords!' How and why did this happen.
Well, here's my story, finally :)

This journey begun a couple of years ago, where I started to feel weird about things in general. I always thought it was a phase and never really looked into it. Through my years in college, my love and curiosity towards psychology only grew. As I studied it for three years, it gave me better insights into how the human mind could possibly work, it for a fact gave me an ability to understand myself, and my condition better. As time passed, I only knew this wasn't a phase, my uncomfortableness and my pain started to become more prominent than I wanted it to be. I was scared I would lose my identity to this. Could I have a mental illness? Really me? Anxiety issues, naaaah.. I played sports for years. I like to socialise with people, this can't happen to me.
But it did. I couldn't recognise myself anymore. It was all a blur. On the outside, I was ok. On the inside, I was breaking and crumbling.

I had those days where I would sit like it was a normal day. Try to work/study. I'd get lost. It was a zone I went into I never understood. I would have a mind that would wonder about, never comprehending what I could see. It would happen, but it was all a blur. I cannot possibly count on my fingers how many hours of a day this would happen to me. No clue how terribly late I used to be on deadlines in college, because I never knew what was happening. I was lost. I had no direction and I was just lost. 

I knew it was a big universe out there, and I had to do well so I would survive, but I felt so tiny I couldn't breath sometimes. 

I started to lose track of time or what was happening. I felt like I didn't know myself anymore. Always wanted to be isolated from people and i loved my alone time. Somehow I reached a phase where I didn't know how to talk, and no one around was able to communicate with me. I felt like I had to face it all alone. It was like a war zone. Only difference being, with me, my team, I was alone. I was running in a direction I didn't know or didn't understand. My language along with me became isolated. It's almost like I was invisible .

I would lie down and couldn't get myself up. Breathing and living where no one could see me got so much easier. I had no strength to face the world. The tiny little universe I had from down was calmer to deal with. It's like it understood me. My journals turned into crumpled paper and my writing into scribbling and drawings I couldn't understand myself. I didn't want to breath. I would wake up sometimes imaging it would all be over, or that this was just a dream. That never happened. Crying myself to sleep late at night so my parents wouldn't hear me didn't help either. I just couldn't get myself to get up and face everybody again. It was just too hard. 

It was like two different univers's altogether.

My life stopped making sense anymore. I couldn't see myself in the mirror every morning. Nothing looked or seemed right. It was like it was all wrong. It was all a mistake and I should've ever woken up on this day. I wished time stopped and I could restart it when this was over. All I could hear was my heart racing and screaming voices inside my head. It was too much noise. It's like my identity was split into half. One half of me I couldn't recognise anymore, and one half the world thought they could see and they knew me. 

Since I loved spending time alone, and that became my only escape, I started enjoying the conversations in my head I use to have with inanimate objects. I spent a lot of time with my laptop, movies, old TV series, and my phone. I would go through all the text conversations sometimes just to see how I used to be or sound when I was ok. I would wonder if I could ever get out of this. Wondered if I would ever be able to breath without pain and anxiety and a racing heart. Would I stop crying and hiding myself from this universe, would be unanswerable question. The conversations with these inanimate objects were much better than the ones with humans. Thus 'SPRINKLEDWORDS'.  Today I'm glad it all happened. 

Today I'm that person I always dreamt of being as a little girl. Yes the journey of this transformation sure was painful, but it happened, and now it's over. I like waking up, I love going and seeing people and talking. I love shooting people again. It's a wonderful side to come back to and experience again. It's been a good journey.  I love the NEW ME.